Chapter 3-1

The smoke swirled up from the overflowing ashtray like a little volcano brewing to erupt, pots, pans, cups and plates sat piled up dirty in the sink and with the curtains half open I sat there wallowing in my own self pity, my world had ended there was no point in anything anymore. This was Saturday, no, this was that Saturday, I should have been saying "I do." about now, but no, my love, my life had been ripped from within me. Jane and I were nobodies, you see when Someone famous dies the whole world morns, but for me the world carried on as mine ground to a full stop. I forced myself to my feet and walked to the window, lighting another smoke I stuck my head through the curtains and squinted at the brightness of the day, not really looking at anything all I could think of was the words of the doctor. Jane had a tumor, the headaches were the first warning signs and I did nothing about it, oh Jane was stubborn, but I should have dragged her to the doctor. I crashed back on to the bed staring at the ceiling, the blame for this loss fell squarely on my shoulders, I could never forgive myself for this I had lost my love and it was all my fault. 

I sat up and picked up the whisky bottle and glass from the side, pouring a large glass I sat staring into the clear brown liquid, swilling it round the glass I wanted to cry, but didn't know if I could cry anymore, my eyes were stinging like hot coals and my stomach was turning and churning I felt sick and tired, my mind kept going over and over and I didn't want to think about it anymore, why wouldn't it just stop? Suddenly like a wave rising up the beach anger overwhelmed me, standing up I threw the glass at the wall, screaming at the top of my voice I collapsed on the floor surrounded by the shattered glass, holding my head in my hands the tears came again. I hadn't slept for 3 days, I couldn't every time I tried all I could see was her face, I could still smell her in the room. 

I crawled on to the bed and curled up on the bed, grabbing her favorite jumper I sobbed myself into a restless tumultuous sleep...